'Can you enjoy a music festival with your kids?' asks an article in this morning's paper, after a new survey has apparently reported that "one-fifth of parents have taken an under-five to a festival". I was genuinely surprised to read this. And the only answer I can think of is: "why the hell-in-sparkly-underpants would you ever WANT to?!"
Granted, I'm not really a fan of music festivals per se. I've been to a couple in the past and discovered that - shock, horror - I don't actually like the prospect of mud, tents and smelly chemical toilets. That's before we've even got to the huge crowds of smashed people who are mostly interested in their own enjoyment; sod anyone else's. The music might be good; you could have the best band in the world up there on stage, but unless you're shimmeringly drunk or high on something curiously illegal, the experience isn't going to be all that great really (well, it never has been for me, and so I'm naturally applying my experiences to everyone, OK?!)
Even with the seemingly child-unfriendly festival conditions established, why can't there be some places adults can go where they're not having to worry about knocking over a small child by accident or having to 'keep an eye' on their language or general behaviour, just in case someone's precious little darling might be watching? Before reading that article today I'd just assumed that music festivals, even with all their (self-perceived) faults, were the last - sorely needed - bastion of child-unfriendliness. But it seems they're not. So...what is?
Now, I realise that every older generation needs something to have a moan about. For my Nan's generation, this includes "women in the workplace" and "all that counselling people get nowadays". Well, alright...that is just my Nan actually, but I'm assuming her moans are the moans of her generation, because they're things they didn't have and that's what we all enjoy moaning about the most, isn't it? But while my Nan is moaning on about how women don't want to stay in the home any more, sometimes I can sense a sad, bitter-tinged envy at the fact that she didn't have access to all the opportunities currently available to women like me.
It's the same for men, of course. I had to write a 'Paternity Leave' policy for my workplace when the law changed, allowing new fathers up to two weeks off to spend with their new family. None of the men old enough not to be able to qualify for this new leave liked it. "What's all this extra holiday for Dads about, then?" stormed one senior member of staff (the union rep, actually!) after I'd distributed the new policy. "I never got offered any of this when my kids were born! And I wouldn't have wanted it anyway - you're not going to get anyone take this up...men want to get straight back to work, they want to be as far away from the family as possible!"
You see? People always moan about what they didn't get and can't possibly have now. And so it goes for my generation. When I was growing up, the world was not geared to "family-friendliness". There's a bit in one of Adrian Mole's diaries that describes a trip to the pub with his parents in which he has to stay in the car because pubs don't allow kids, so his Dad has to come out with "a bottle of Vimto and a packet of crisps for me". Most people my age will be able to identify with that.
In recent years, every summer the papers are packed with ideas to "stop the kids getting bored over the summer holidays!" - as though letting the kids have nothing to do for a couple of days is comparable with extreme neglect. Yet during my school holidays I knew not to ever say "I'm bored!" to my Dad, as the answer that came back would always be the same. It was: "well, go and find something to do so you're not, then". Going to McDonald's was a treat - something my sisters and I did once every couple of months - and we never, ever got taken out for any other meals unless it was a special occasion. And don't get me bloody started on mobile phones and computer games; not unless you want me to be still sitting here typing once the clock goes past witching hour.
So I do recognise where some of my carping on about how "kids are allowed everywhere these days" comes from. I really do, and as a responsible person who wants to keep her friends I do try to keep a lid on it most of the time. But still...festivals...really?
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