A little while ago I read an article by a lady who'd been diagnosed with cancer, detailing all the things she wished her wonderful, well-meaning friends and family hadn't said during her illness; that she knew they loved her and wanted to support her, but that the cliched "whatever I can do to help" and "I feel so sorry for you" actually didn't help her very much. Even though, as we're constantly reminded when bad things happen and people do their best to rally round, people "mean well", and "just don't know what else to say". Bless 'em.
Though I would never, ever compare a relationship breakdown with a potentially terminal illness, I've noticed some parallels between the things this article detailed and things people have said, and continue to say, to me throughout the period of my separation. One of the things I didn't anticipate when my marriage ended was that I would need to manage the needy emotional requirements of some of my friends and family; and that no matter how well-meaning people are, and no matter how lovely it is that people offer to be there for you (and it really is), doing this could sometimes be a bloody pain. So, in the spirit of the original article and with no other intention than to get a few things off my chest, I'm going to detail below the things I dearly wish people wouldn't say to me.
1. How's your husband?
This is the Number One thing I get asked; ironically more often now than when we were actually together and when I'm not really in any position to actually know. The question is usually accompanied by what Tom Selleck in 'Friends' referred to as "the sympathetic head tilt". I usually reply to the question with a short "I don't know", which sounds almost as though I'm being hostile, when in reality there just isn't anything to say. I could respond with "Rubbish I imagine; why don't you ask him?" but I never do. Even though I have absolutely no idea why people generally don't just ask the person themselves if they want to know how they are.
2. It's such a shame...are you sure there's nothing you can do to sort things out?
I don't need pointing out that it's a shame, honestly; in fact that's an understatement. And I'm afraid I'm not going to get a lightbulb moment of realisation that it was all a mistake whilst talking to an acquaintance at a barbecue. Life doesn't work like that. This question also has the effect of making me feel sad and guilty that things couldn't just be "sorted out", like a couple of kids arguing in the playground. Again, life doesn't work like that.
3. Well, at least...
This is usually followed by ..."you don't have children", or ..."you're not dying". Neither of these scenarios have any bearing whatsoever on my life; in fact saying things like this, well-meaning or not, to anybody, belittles everything that's happening to them in their own, actual, can-only-experience-the-one, life.
4. I'm so sad about it all; he's such a lovely man...
I wish more than anything that people would have hidden their own sadness about my marriage ending. Mainly because it makes me feel even sadder, and also that I've let them down in some horrible way. Ditto their glowing praise for my husband, which while it is utterly warranted because he is a truly lovely person, makes me feel as though I might be a failure for not being able to stay married to such a truly lovely person. Plus, this might sound selfish, but I would quite like my friends and family to show that they might care about me more.
5. If there's anything I can do to help...
This is such a perennial "nice thing" to say; everybody says it, including me. But I will promise to make a concerted effort not to say it in future, because it's boring and nondescript and it places the burden on the person you're saying it to, to find something you can "do to help". If you really want to help, offer to do something specific, or better still just do something lovely without asking or talking about it (warning: this latter approach may bring on tears).
I realise I must sound so very ungrateful with my list of what not to say, but I really do appreciate all the love and support I've been given. It's just...if even one person reads this and then treats a separated person (or a 'separatee' as we're referred to in 'Seinfeld') accordingly then I guarantee both you and they will be immensely grateful. And my friends and family know that I'm not averse to saying stupid things in front of people myself; only recently I was out with a gay friend at a family event when I spotted his Mum nearby, playing with his cousin's children. "Your Mum really loves kids, doesn't she?" I said to him, earning a look of daggers and a slightly-snippy "Well, she's not going to get any grandkids, is she?" from him in response.
I guess we could all benefit from watching what we say every now and again...and of course by just being human and good friends, and giving support where it might be needed. That's it.
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