Insensitive comments (of which I make quite a few!)

...and how they can be unintentional, especially if they're from a friend.  Earlier this week I went out for lunch with a very good friend and the conversation turned to children.  I nearly fell off my chair when she told me she was first pregnant years ago; she was absolutely not the maternal type.  Now she's a proud mum of two and I couldn't imagine her without her children; she's a great mum.

But there's something about mothers, even ones you know well, that can't quite believe you when you say you're not interested in having kids yourself.  During this friendly lunch, conversation turned to my husband and it was commented that "he'd make a great Dad...it's a shame he's not going to get the chance to show it".  The comment was well-meant, but I wanted to scream, because it implies that I've decided completely on my own that I want to be child-free, and sod what my husband wants or thinks.  The fact that we've decided together not to be parents never seems to come into it.   It isn't the first time people have commented about how my husband would make a good Dad, or me a good Mum for that matter, as though that's all there is to the decision.  It's a concern, obviously, but if you want to be a parent you'll make it work.  If you don't then it isn't something you think about.  The idea of my being a Mum is so alien to me that I shudder whenever an idea of it comes to mind.  But...why do people, including good friends, feel as though they can comment on it to their heart's content?

It isn't always good friends of course; sometimes it's strangers.  I was in the gym lounge recently, chatting casually to a group of people I'd just been working out with in a class when the conversation turned to census forms, religion and kids.  Once it had been established that I a) have no religion and b) have no kids, one woman was appalled.  "My goodness, so you're childless and godless?  What an existence - I'd hate to be you".  This was said perfectly seriously, and I did my general, usual thing of letting it go instead of coming back with "My goodness, so you're narrow-minded and ignorant, not to mention bloody rude?  What an existence - I'd hate to be you"  I let things like that go all the time, then feel angry with myself for not saying anything back.  I can understand how older people become cantankerous.  If I'm still listening to comments like that when I'm nearing my sixties I have no doubt that I probably will say something.  And unfortunately, seeing as I do plan to remain child-free, I know there'll be plenty more comments like that to come.  It makes my heart feel a little bit heavy sometimes, that I'll be called upon again and again to justify how I've chosen to live my life, even to people I know well and love.

And yet I'm not immune to making ill thought-out comments myself.  At a horrible business breakfast networking meeting (yeugh) fairly recently I ended up in conversation with the only other woman there. She looked a bit harassed and a bit detached from the proceedings, and without thinking I asked if she had children, assuming she'd rushed to the meeting from the school-run.  As it turned out, I was right - but why did I ask her that?  I wouldn't have asked any of the men the same question, even if they'd had the same demeanour.  I'd probably have assumed work was keeping them up late instead.

I've no doubt that if I had kids, there'd be comments made that I wouldn't like.  My sister, for example, was already being asked if she was going to have another baby around three weeks after she'd just given birth!  It helps to remember things like that; we all get comments we're not happy with at some point.  Hopefully I'll remain quiet and dignified about it as I age.  If not...well, there's always wine.