I Don't Have an iPhone

There, I've said it.  An admission akin to standing up with a scraping chair at an AA meeting (Alcoholics Anonymous, not our friendly 'third emergency service' Automobile Association).  Because it really does seem as though the whole world "has an iPhone".  Even their latest ad assumes everybody's got one; it must do, because it certainly doesn't endear anyone who "doesn't have an iPhone" to run screaming out of their house (made of sticks and rubble, natch) down to their nearest approved Apple dealer.

"If you don't have an iPhone...you don't have the App store" a smug American accent tells us.  Well duh, in keeping with the American spirit.  Here I was thinking if I just owned a good enough microwave I could spring the door open one evening and...hey presto!  It's the app store!  But no apps that are actually useful I see...none that will set the table and cook my dinner for me, or run me a bath, or dash off to the shops on my behalf whenever I'm overtaken by a chocolate emergency.

"...with the app store, you can even pay for your coffee" continues Mr. Smug (whose face we never see, because if we did he'd have to protect himself daily from baying mobs wanting to cave in his skull with said iPhone...or do you think there might be a special app for that?)

I can pay for my coffee, can I?  Wonderful!  Except...umm...can't I already do this?  What I do at the moment is, I put some money in my purse, then I go out and, if I want one, I go into a coffee shop and ask for a coffee.  When payment is requested I just take the money out of my purse and give it to the nice person behind the counter.  I might even smile and say thank-you.  All at the same time!  And then I'll go and drink my coffee, and - shock horror - I might even have a conversation with someone, instead of ignoring the person I'm actually with and instead staring with vacant, glassy eyes and a slightly dribbling mouth at the screen of my trusty iPhone, on which there's a glossy-haired list of all my 3,456 Facebook friends, none of whom I've ever actually seen in the flesh.  Oh, and updating my status to "In coffee shop.  OMG!  Lol :)"

"If you don't have an iPhone...you don't have an iPhone" rounds off the ad nicely, and unlike most ads' claims, no-one can say it isn't true.  So it's sort-of refreshing, except I'm not 100 per cent sure what it's trying to achieve.  Because if I did have an iPhone, and then I saw that patronising-git of an ad, I'd want to climb Everest just so that I could drop-kick said iPhone off the top with my special, snow-covered steel capped boot.

(Must go now...have to update my Facebook status.  OMG!)