I'm a big fan of karaoke. Not doing it, you understand. Never actually doing it. But watching it - definitely. I'm genuinely fascinated by karaoke, because in this sold-as-fun activity you get a fleeting, yet genuine, idea of what people think of themselves by the song they select and the way they sing it - even from the way they approach the mic. It's "just a laugh" they all say, but of course it isn't really; in that rendition of 'My Heart Will Go On' you get a true glimpse of lives unlived; of what might have happened if only Simon Cowell had wandered in to your office, heard you singing along with the radio and offered you a £50-million recording contract on the spot.
I used to have a theory that only people who were terrible at singing should ever do karaoke; that it should be unequivocally claimed by those who really enjoyed singing, but just weren't very good. Because it's all entertainment at the end of the day, and nothing's more boring than listening to someone with an average voice doing karaoke. Even the X-Factor producers know that much...or at least they did once.
One of the most fun karaoke-related evenings I've ever spent was on an American cruise from New York to the Bahamas. There was a 'Karaoke Show!' in the cocktail bar, to which I went along (that evening also included an embarrassing incident whereby I made a very English comment about a cocktail named 'French Kiss'...that a very American barman completely misunderstood). Americans doing karaoke have a different attitude to the English. No pretend shyness; they just stride confidently up to the mic and then deliver stunningly good performances...and the message is crystal-clear - if you're no good, you shouldn't be doing it.
As fun as those self-satisfied performances were to watch, there was such a sanitised and serious air to it all that I wanted to inject some humour by grabbing the mic myself, hoping to recreate that lovely bit in 'My Best Friend's Wedding' when Cameron Diaz gets up and sings 'I Just Don't Know What to Do With Myself' so badly that she ends up bringing the whole room along with her. But life isn't like the movies (really?) and in reality I was too worried about getting booed off the stage in a shower of 'French Kiss'-es instead, so I didn't bother.
(The only time I've ever actually been caught out is when my sister got her own karaoke machine, then invited me and my husband round for dinner. I was adamant that I was just going to watch and listen, but my sister wouldn't take no for an answer. "I'll do a duet with you" she said, and we did a rendition of 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart' with me as Kiki Dee. Five seconds into the song all my karaoke-based reticence had completely disappeared, and no more than ten minutes later I was belting out 'Stand By Your Man' like my entire life was depending on it. Meanwhile, my husband and brother-in-law had taken refuge outside in the garden).
Such a laugh!
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